We don’t have a lot of rules in our house. You do have to finish your dinner (well, most of it) to get dessert. You have to keep the floor of your bedroom clean. We don’t allow running in the kitchen, or playing on the stairs. But for the rest of life, we tend to rely on natural consequences to teach the lessons we want our children to know. I loudly announce the temperature outside before we head up the hill to catch the bus. If my kid chooses to forego his coat and freeze in his hoodie, that’s his burden to bear. If my oldest powers through the “good snacks” the day after I do the grocery shopping, he has to wait a week for them to be replenished. It’s a system that has worked well for us so far. Our candid, unbiased rules are easy to obey. Admittedly, I have three very agreeable kids. They trust that the rules we have are in the best interest of their health and safety. That’s an important part of it—the trust. If I start changing our established rules, or applying consequences to one kid and not the others, the trust that keeps our household peaceful would start to erode, and we’d be managing more tantrums and unwanted behaviors from all three. And rightfully so, consistency is paramount in parenting.

Almost equally important is the logic of our household rules. Rules and their consequences need to make sense. Our children know what is expected of them and what will happen if they don’t comply. For example, there is an expectation that our children will respect the belongings of the others. We don’t allow destruction of property in our house. If one child breaks a toy that belongs to their sibling, the logical consequence is that they pay to replace it. We would not, for example, allow the sibling’s friend to shoot our child in the back ten times. That would be an illogical response. Likewise, if we’re out running errands and my children refuse to stop blowing their whistles and yelling expletives on the drive, the logical adult response is to turn the car around and go home. Tear gassing the backseat isn’t going to lower anyone’s stress level. It is my job, as the adult in the vehicle, to make the decision that keeps everyone safe regardless of whether I agree with their behavior. The errands can wait.

Parenting comes with unrelenting responsibility. You don’t ever get to play the part of unruly child once you accept the roll of parent. It’s often a thankless job; establishing rules, implementing them, coming up with persuasive consequences, and seeing them through takes time and commitment on the part of the parent. Often this enforcement is disruptive to the other tasks on my to-do list. My daily tasks are interrupted by the need to mediate a dispute between siblings or to dole out homework reminders, and I am required to stay up an extra hour or two to get all my chores done. Parenting is synonymous with sacrifice.

What helped me manage my own emotions regarding the loud objections from my toddlers during the twice daily chore of brushing their teeth was to keep in mind why I was doing it—so they don’t develop painful, expensive cavities, not because I enjoyed their misery. Why else would I enforce such a rule? This same question can reveal rules that are unnecessary. Why would I force a six-year-old to wear matching socks if they feel strongly about one foot supporting Spiderman and the other Captain America? Ultimately, the rules are in place for the welfare of the children, not my preference for podiatric symmetry. That rule is not needed. In fact, letting go of that rule makes less work for me when folding the laundry since I can throw all their clean socks into the drawer unmatched.

Another important consideration when making and enforcing rules for the family is the age and capabilities of each child. Our older kids are well on their way to adulthood and are trusted with making their own decisions about what foods to eat and what hour they put themselves to bed, but our youngest is still reliant on the adults in his life for guidance in these areas. His small body needs more sleep than his mind tells him is necessary, and the lure of sugar is louder than the call for fiber. It is unreasonable for us to expect him to make healthy decisions on his own before he’s had the necessary life experience. Tucking him into a safe, warm bed with a belly full of fresh food and clean water is the right thing for us to do as the adults in his life. Certainly, refusing these resources to any of our children is abuse.

It’s a difficult task to balance the nurturing required in parenthood while maintaining the order that rules provide, but that is what I signed up for when I took the job. What kind of mother would I be if I named my child a domestic terrorist for objecting to the enforcement of a family rule? As the parent, I am responsible for the disparities. Instead, for the sake of harmony within my family, I should get curious about why my child feels the rule is so unfair. It’s possible I could be wrong about the perceived threat to their health and safety.