this one’s for me

I have a propensity for cynicism. I think it’s because I see things for what they are. It’s hard to open yourself to the troubles of the world and not start the calculations. I do fight it. I need to. Cynicism keeps me from my real life. The one I blew up to be here. In this artistic space I had to have. That’s whats beautiful about math, you can break everything down into smaller pieces and start again.

Maybe I shouldn’t fight it. Maybe I should hear it out. I could get to the bottom of the fear. A cynic who wants to be hopeful. Teach me. Show me how these puzzle pieces add up to a whole. All I see are jagged edges.

I want to participate in the forest that is this earth. I want to plant my feet in the biome of everything, including all that is unseen. I want to be part of all that goes on here in the natural world. The art of every day. The rhythm of the universe. The real.

I don’t let myself love it for what it is enough. Here now, I am not letting myself love how I love the world! Instead it’s a critique. What if I love it the most out of anyone? What if I’m overdoing it? I always want to help the world become better. I look for the flaws and then I burden myself with them. I am an inefficient worker. That’s all this blog has ever been to me—an attempt to do what I know how to do to help make things better, while simultaneously holding in my mind the deep-seated knowledge that I know nothing at all. I only say that this is me trying to figure life out because yes it very much is that also. I know that when I write like this I feel like somebody. I feel like a creature on the earth and that that’s how I want to feel.

To fall in love with earth at the cosmic level. At the level of blue dot. And want to stay

even when I’m sober

A child just careened down the hill, blonde locks flowing. Please put on a helmet. Save the baby brain. I am pestered by responsibility.

We were talking about cynicism and how I combat it. I combat it with gratitude. Stoic gratitude. There is always a facet to be grateful for even in the most chaotic circumstance. And that’s all the shred i need to keep going. Just a sliver of late afternoon sun to light up the sky over the trees. My eyes are overjoyed to receive it.

I look down at the pieces again. Renewed and ready to search for another splash of color, or maybe a texture this time. Where can I work to link the edges til they’re smooth?

I watched a man run down the hill with his daughter in a stroller chattering away, asking him questions as he huffed. I heard his understandably exasperated “what?” and recognized it as something I have uttered many times to my own children. So much of life with children is answering questions.

So much of life with children is food. The collection, payment for, and preparation of. Consumption is front of mind. The constant unrelenting need of human life and growth. When children are very young, a mother can see starvation after an extra hour at the playground. Cheeks of all races should be pink with ample water and vegetation.

“May all beings be free from harm
May all beings be held in loving presence
Filled with loving presence
May all beings touch great natural peace
May all beings be free”*

Please protect and nourish the children of the world
Bring them safety and security
So they can grow up joyful and kind

I am mindful of my actions
My thoughts, fingertips, and footsteps on this path
I strive to minimize the harm I cause myself and others
and to put good into the world

Please show me love and protect me from harm
and grant me the wisdom to know the difference

Namaste
Amen
Thank you
I love you

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*words by Tara Brach

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