Who’s writing this narrative anyway?

I haven’t been watching much of the clown’s show, but I did happen to catch a live press conference last week. Ms. Leavitt appeared behind her podium, looking ready for brunch in Palm Beach, nearly an hour after the start time she set. I guess she needed a few extra minutes to confer with the president so they could get their stories straight. It was a big day for both of them. They had to convince their loyalists that the pedophilic sex ring they spent years using to rally support was all in their heads. Best to dot your i’s and cross your t’s if you’re going to lie like that.

When she finally appeared she apologized for her tardiness. We’re working hard to run a country. You know how it is. Busy! Busy! Busy! I’ve got a working theory that the size of the cross she wears around her neck is inversely proportional to the size of the lie she’s planning to tell. The one she wore on this occasion was teeny tiny. Otherwise, it was business as usual. She presented her cherry-picked data on inflation and immigration arrests, and continued to blame the last four years for all the world’s ills. She celebrated the budget cuts to public media. I bet she lets her kids watch Coco Melon. She also updated the press corps on the president’s health. Early signs of heart failure. Perhaps he’s abused it for so long it’s gone on strike.

She started the question and answer portion with the softball from the bullsh*t New Media Seat. Next was the one we were all waiting for. Epstein. The reporter’s question made me laugh out loud—The president called the Epstein case a hoax, could you please clarify which part is the hoax part? Ms. Leavitt opted to shame the journalists asking questions about it. No one cared about Epstein until now! They could have done an investigation before! The president is doing so many things, and you don’t care about those! The audacity! There are children suffering in the world (um… yes, about that..?) and you want to spend our precious time together discussing a silly little list that implicates some of the world’s most powerful people as heinous criminals? HAVE YOU NO SHAME?? Notice how none of that is an answer. It’s an effective, but predictable diversionary tactic. Honestly, I expected more from Karoline. Witnessing someone project like that in real-time, it’s hard not to feel second-hand embarrassment.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I don’t care about the whole Epstein situation, its more that I see it as emblematic of the disorder of men with money and power. It’s the kind of thing I blame for all the world’s ills and it’s been going on a lot longer than four years. Some might refer to a mansion like Epstein’s as a metaphorical swamp. In a perfect world, we get to the bottom of it. In this world, we should deal with the fascists first. And imo one of them is speaking on behalf of the president. Am I not supposed to say that out loud? We do understand that they aren’t going to call them concentration camps, right?

Ms. Leavitt’s contempt for the press she is allegedly secretarying to is palpable during these gatherings. She acts personally insulted by questions that require her to lie to answer in a way that makes her boss appear diplomatic. She feigns ignorance about issues too complicated to address with a simple quip. How could redistricting possible be related to the work of Congressman John Lewis?? As an American citizen, I’m annoyed that our press secretary is such an uneducated idiot. And I’m outraged that she did not come prepared with a comment from the president on his justice department’s single day sentence recommendation for the man convicted of Breonna Taylor’s murder. Isn’t his whole thing getting dangerous criminals off the streets? Ms. Leavitt used a similar tactic to skirt an understandable question about the distinction between granting an immigrant amnesty and granting them a work deal. She’s unfamiliar with the specifics of the policy but she does know the president doesn’t support amnesty. He’s been very clear on that. (Actually, Karoline, I think it’s bold to claim that this man has been very clear on anything, but I digress.)

I’d be insulted by her lack of preparation if it didn’t feel so methodical. I feel an instinctual urge to roll my eyes each time she starts talking. Every word feels like a calculated manipulation of public perception. An excellent example is the president’s refusal to engage in New York City’s mayoral race, but one candidate is a “known communist” so we should all be wary about that. She repeated the phrase twice. I’m curious who exactly “knows” this. In these cases I wish our press pool was a little less polite. If I were given a shot in the New Media Seat, I’d use it to heckle.

Toward the end of the conference, she spots some “friends in the back” who ask her for an update on the Biden Autopen Controversy. Karoline agrees it is incredibly important that we determine the truth. The American people want to receive answers on this. I appreciate your enthusiasm Ms. Leavitt, but do they? Is anyone asking about the f*cking autopen? I hear a lot of people asking whether our “trustworthy” president was on the list of disgusting old men who defile young girls, but literally the guy at the back of the room is the only one I know asking about a signature stamp. I know which investigation I’d prefer my hard-earned tax dollars pay for. Is spending precious minutes at the podium addressing the autopen that may or may not have been used to sign off on pardons from the last guy worth more than the investigative results of a sex trafficking ring that our current president allegedly participated in? Who determines which questions are worth answering from the nation’s podium. Shouldn’t it be the nation she works for and not the other way around? I think we’ve lost our way a bit, civically. Ms. Leavitt may work for the president, but his administration works for all of us. Her position was created to inform the American people about what the government has been up to and we are being bamboozled. If The People want to know the results of an investigation their tax dollars paid for, they are entitled hear them.

Honestly, I feel sorry for Ms. Leavitt. The job sucks. I couldn’t stomach the wardrobe, and I would require an astronomical salary in exchange for twisting the truth the way she does. I’d be terrible at keeping a lid on the true truth, while still cheerfully stating the public one. Then my boss compulsively tweets a veiled third truth on his bathroom break and I’m the one that has to explain it to the press? No, thank you. I’d also worry about what my kids would think of me if in the future their mother is among those required to stand trial for the administration’s crimes against humanity. As I watch the secretary breath deeply between questions, I try to help her by silently willing her next words in my mind: “I quit! I hate this job and I don’t want to do it anymore!” Imagine how good it would feel, Karoline, to finally tell the truth.