Is it still a thing?

My algorithm is full of advice on how to manage my own emotions regarding the behavior of other people in my life. I do tend to get caught in an empathy trap. I try to get inside the heads of other people to understand why they act a certain way to see if some facet of my behavior could be altered to improve the situation. If I can’t come up with a rational reason for the why they act the way they do, I ruminate endlessly. It’s frustrating, time consuming, and takes me away from the things that are important to me. Recently, I came across a meme that helped explain this phenomenon. A young woman in a baseball cap said simply: “You don’t understand their behavior because you would never behave that way.” It’s not a ground-breaking revelation but its a helpful way to look at it. Understanding an action you would never do is like trying to understand a language you don’t speak.

I have the most trouble with behavior that I view as shameful. I have no issue feeling shame myself. I feel ashamed of myself even when I am totally alone. I can sit on the couch in silence with no pressing responsibilities and feel shame. Obviously, this is problematic and it’s something I am working on, but this propensity to feel shame leaves me troubled when it comes to the shameful acts of others. The I could never… response overwhelms me and the rumination on why they might do such a thing begins. There must be a logical reason…

There’s a scene in Game of Thrones where everyone finds out about Cersei and her brother and they make her walk down the street hairless and naked while an old lady rings a bell chanting Shame! Shame! (By the way, why wasn’t her brother also pelted with vegetables?) Cersei is well and truly shamed by her community. She walks along silently with tears in her eyes as she is morally degraded. At one point in history the kind of relationship Cersei had with her brother was considered acceptable, even favorable in order to keep the royal bloodlines pure. I don’t personally agree with that stance, but it was the case for a time. Somewhere along the way our opinions changed and incest became shameful for everyone, even the aristocrats. What caused that shift and could it shift back potentially? Our collective idea of what is morally acceptable is always changing with the times. Is it possible that our more recent To Each His Own mindset could extend beyond the recommendations of scientific evidence? As far as I know, the only physical risk of sleeping with your brother is creating a child with severe birth defects, and people do things that are terrible for their mental health every single day and we don’t feel compelled to intervene as a society. If we can get past what I would call the evolutionary ick, is it none of our business what people do behind closed doors as long as they use protection?

I wonder what Cersei’s walk of shame would look like today. It seems spectacles are in high demand because of their potential for content creation. There would be no shortage of cell phones recording every moment. There might even be a video from Cersei’s angle. Would anyone attending even think about the incest, or would they be too focused on rushing home to get their file posted online with the hope it’ll go viral and be reposted with music and silly sound effects?

Of course there is a paradox here. If Cersei’s incestual behavior is accepted by society then the walk of shame would never happen. Someone needs to decide a moral line has been crossed. Who is that and how do they get that job? And how does her public humiliation serve to benefit the rest of society? Is there an overlap between people considering romantic relationships with family members and those who venture out to watch a public flogging? Cousin Fred is really cute, but I don’t want people to throw rotten tomatoes at my bare ass. Would that aversion be considered shame or something different?

Do we need the presence of judgement to feel shame? If no one else disapproves of our behavior, is there any reason to feel bad about it? I promise I’m not making a case for incest even though it really sounds like I am. All I’m trying to say is, our idea of what is morally shameful is malleable and I think it’s determined by the whole of us. Actions once considered morally abhorrent, like murdering innocent people via airstrike as they wait in line for small quantities of flour, don’t seem to move the needle at all in today’s world. Is that the fault of the internet? Our collapsing faith? Are we so overwhelmed by egregious behavior that we have numbed ourselves to it? All’s well as long as our mind’s are placated by an entertaining video? Is there no one currently assigned to making the call on what deserves moral condemnation? Can I apply for that job? Maybe it’s asking too much for one mind to process the evil of an entire globe.

So, what is there to do? When a woman stands in front of a nation and insists a body of water has always been called the Gulf of America when no the f*ck it has not, and throwing a rotten tomato at her face is not an option, how can we stop her? When the news media abandons journalistic standards in favor of generating high ratings, how can we hope to stay well informed? When congress members vote against the interest of their country in exchange for special treatment promised—by a compulsive liar, mind you—at a later date, how can we feel rightfully represented? Public roles that rely on common decency to stay in check have been permeated by human beings seemingly incapable of feeling shame, and those roles have been systematically maladapted for private schemes. When our leaders and influencers are impervious to the public’s judgement, is there any incentive to continue to condemn them? What good does it do to call out a lie if the one who told it doubles down and then attacks you for asking such a nasty question?

Unfortunately, I have some first-hand experience with this kind of vitriol. For me what works best is staying focused on the desired outcome and what I can control. Some times that’s simple: I can opt out of news outlets that use cheap tactics to win viewers, and I can skip the propaganda portion of the press conference. Some times it’s more difficult and what I can control feels less powerful, but still important: I can’t stop the starvation of innocent children, but I can be grateful for every bite I am able to offer my own. I can’t prevent my leaders from openly distorting reality, but I can record the truth. I can’t control the abasement of my country, but I can affirm my morality by committing to my values.

I won’t understand their behavior because I would never do it. That’s what it boils down to. I can feel shame. Our emperor knows he has no clothes and instead of feeling shame, he’s deludes himself into thinking the people prefer him naked. I don’t know how to counter that other than refusing to get naked with him. So many of his henchmen have willingly stripped out of their business suits, and as a result we see exactly who they are. The next time he throws a parade we should invite the lady with the bell. I don’t think I’d get any enjoyment from throwing vegetables. It is tempting to lob one at someone I know is deserving, but in my book hurling an old potato at another human being is shameful, and like Gandhi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.