Am I even good enough to have it?

I’ve heard that it’s common to view your relationship with God the same way you view your relationship with your parents. I think back to the time a friend asked about my religious beliefs and I told her I was squarely agnostic. I can’t really explain to you how this so thoroughly proves the first point for me, but it does. I’ll never understand my parents thinking and I feel the same way about God. Why the f*ck are there so many wars, man? I don’t anticipate a clear answer.

As much as I’d love to believe that it’s all random and nothing matters, my certainty seeking brain will not abide. In order to explain the universe to myself, I need there to be order at some level, even if that level is cosmic. I find relief in pattern. For example, I glean existential comfort from the similarity between our nervous systems, tree roots, and naturally formed waterways. It’s like God was channeling his inner Lin Manuel Miranda. Hit ’em with the homologous motif again. It’ll knock their socks off! I can’t say what the repetition means, but knowing it’s there brings me peace.

I have a few spiritual beliefs. I believe in kindness. I believe in karma. I believe there are unholy acts. I believe less in any specific rule that claims consuming critters that crawl along the ocean floor will send you straight to hell. Seems like someone might have taken some liberty there. Shrimp gave them the ick and they decided to ruin it for everyone. I find it suspicious that not one of the books of the Bible was penned by a woman. Did God have nothing to say through us? He probably assumed the ability to create life would speak for itself, but Mary may have had a word of two to contribute after the whole virgin birth situation. I also have questions about what else was going on in the world when Moses was talking to that burning bush. I’m not saying the bush didn’t have interesting things to say, but is it possible he was downwind from a farmer who decided to set fire to his cannabis crop? Each story told is only one man’s perspective of a specific time and place. A lot is left open to interpretation. Again, the need for certainty keeps me from buying in.

Understanding that history is written by the winners, I choose to base my personal religious beliefs on vibes. Is that egotistical of me? Probably. But I’m not alone. Maybe that’s the only option left for me in a world where I know gender to be a construct, but the religious institutions say otherwise. I also know that absolute power corrupts and the world is always changing. In the religion I was raised with, it was customary to adorn your children in polyester ruffles purchased from J.C. Penney for the Easter service. Would God forsake me had I attended church in my favorite trolls t-shirt instead? Clearly, it was the other parishioners my family was aiming to impress. Did their opinion of my Sunday best effect my piety? Should it? I think this is the point that many get stuck on when they engage with religion. God is separate from his believers, but the believers still feel authorized to wield their opinions on exactly who is believing best. I haven’t been to church in a long time, but my understanding is that the wardrobe expectations of most institutions have changed over the years. Has faith changed, too?

Maybe I’m delusional but I don’t feel like I need to memorize a rule book to be good with a God, if there is one. I don’t go to church and I don’t read religious texts regularly. I do try to live well. I respect myself and other people. I carry an air of humility or at least I try to be aware when I lose it. I am grateful for what I have and I give what I can. I am not perfect, but I make an effort. It seems logical to me that, God or no, if everyone lived this way, we’d be alright. Since I am the only person I can control, it’s the best I can do. Lately, I’ve been thinking of “God” (feel free to substitute whatever works for you here; the universe, creator, source, higher power, etc.) less like a man in the sky and more like a force akin to gravity. I sense a pull toward “right” action and feel a repulsion from “wrong.” Sometimes it’s obvious but more often, it’s subtle. Stillness helps. I believe this is what you are feeling when you do something you know you shouldn’t, like pretending not to see the person walking up behind you so you don’t have to hold the door for a few extra seconds when you’re already late. It feels like there is an internal opposition. Likewise, when I allow someone to turn ahead of me into a busy lane of traffic, I feel a sense of ease. The considerate gesture is preferable to awkwardly avoiding their eye contact as I inch past them. Maybe it’s possible to create heaven here simply by avoiding emotional hell.

Does all this overthinking amount to faith? I don’t usually consider what God thinks of me during my day to day life, but I do think a lot about the effect my behavior has on others. Does that still count or do I have to spend an allotted amount of time each day praising Him? Is it critical to the creator that his name gets stamped on every good deed? Is He really that shallow? Am I going to be struck by lightening for suggesting it? If he’s anything like my Dad, I would be. The skies look clear.

There’s a lot of emphasis on a great exodus from religion in my country, but it also seems that the religious teachings of empathy and acceptance are more welcomed by society generally then they have ever been in the past. Maybe the spiritual panic is less about an absence of morals and more about the loss of political power that has historically been attached to religious authority. It seems to me that the greater loss is the sense of belonging and community that could once be found in places of worship. Church is a team effort. As a single member of a congregation, I couldn’t possibly guess how God receives the pious acts of those around me. Who am I to say someone is worshiping improperly because they’re wearing the wrong outfit?