mental-health
-
chronicles with cannabis I’ve been doing well lately keeping my distance from nature’s finest plant. I admire it from afar. I still think about lighting up anytime I feel sad, or angry, or confused, or I’m a little tired, or a little bored, or the weather is nice, or the weather is crappy, or I’m…
-
Valentine’s Day has come and gone. My opinion of the holiday has had it’s ups and downs throughout the years, usually tied to the presence of someone to celebrate with. This year, I welcomed the simplicity of it—a day to celebrate love for others, traditionally by way of flowery note. I have a great appreciation…
-
We don’t have a lot of rules in our house. You do have to finish your dinner (well, most of it) to get dessert. You have to keep the floor of your bedroom clean. We don’t allow running in the kitchen, or playing on the stairs. But for the rest of life, we tend to…
-
Do you think money does something to the brain? Recently I watched some rich guys talk about all the great work they’re doing for humanity. But they seemed unaware of the humans outside of their tech bubble. It got me thinking there might be some level of net worth that disrupts your connection to reality.…
-
Reality has had a rough go recently, hasn’t it? A lot of people are treating reality like it’s up for debate, like they might be able to convince us that there is some other version of reality with their words alone. I think we’ve been over this—reality is more than words. It’s also more than…
-
I watched an unsettling movie recently. It was about a murderous, young woman during the first world war. The title character, Pearl, lived and worked on a farm with her strict German mother and ailing father, and dreamed of becoming a dancer in the pictures. I watched it too close to bedtime and ended up…
-
After the Thanksgiving holiday my sister-in-law came by to spend time with her brother and our kids. I asked her what she and her family did to celebrate the day. We chatted for a while and she mentioned she’d noticed that their holiday traditions seemed to change every five to ten years. She was resigned…
-
Next week I’ll celebrate my forty-second birthday. I’ve never been much of a birthday person, but this one seems especially mid. It’s not youthful and relevant, or old and wise, it falls into the unexceptional middle. I’ll probably order takeout. I think I feel loneliness more intensely than the other emotions. I can feel much,…
-
And I won’t shut up about it Remember when the maze on the back of the cereal box was difficult? I bought my kids a box of Froot Loops, and I ate a few fistfuls the other day when I got the munchies (which happens more often than I care to admit). I spent some…
-
Staying through the raw There is construction directly across the street from the apartment my husband and I share. We’re never in it at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to live with someone. We are separating our lives after 25 years together, and we were in need of a new living situation. I…
-
Music and Time I listen to a lot of music. Well, maybe I should say I listen to music a lot. It’s usually the same songs over and over. I’m fond of familiarity. Whenever I drive, fold laundry, or tackle the mess in the kitchen before cooking dinner, I put on my headphones and play…
-
One of my favorite mom duties is making costumes for my kids. When they were younger, I made it a month long event, spreading materials out over every work surface in the house, using any free moment to glue on another plastic leaf. When my oldest was too young to decide on his own costume,…
-
The complexity of zoning permits I am not able to trust. I know I am supposed to be careful with my words and never say that I can’t do something I want to do so that the possibility remains open in my mind, but on this one I need to be honest with myself. I…
-
When the only option is digging deep. I was naive when I started therapy. I was sure I could be fixed. I believed I was the problem in each of my relationships. I expected too much. And I had some anger issues I had to work on. I was livid with absolutely everyone. I walked…
-
What is free speech? I lost a friend last week. I’m trying not to spiral about it and I’m doing an okay job, I think. She sent a final text that said I had been sharp and dismissive of her and she hoped I understood. I do not understand. It was the first time she…
-
this one’s for me I have a propensity for cynicism. I think it’s because I see things for what they are. It’s hard to open yourself to the troubles of the world and not start the calculations. I do fight it. I need to. Cynicism keeps me from my real life. The one I blew…
-
Aspirations in waste management Our next door neighbor grows a beautiful flower garden every summer. Around this time of year she usually gifts our family a bright bouquet of all kinds of colorful blooms. My favorite are her sunflowers, that fully saturated yellow makes it difficult to feel depressed. Some of them grow so tall…
-
Whenever I see a bug or a small creature, or even a large creature come to think of it—if I see something that is not human—I assume that thing is male with the exception of things that I think of as inherently feminine like flowers or bees. Outside my apartment, I noticed a pansy had…
-
What changes in the present when you set your site ahead When we moved into our house nearly two decades ago, it was like stepping into a well-preserved time capsule from the 1960s. The only previous owner was a childless couple. Presumably the wife had a fixation with trendy interior design when the house was…
-
Camping with kids I bet Socrates was insufferable to be around. If you’re not familiar with the Socratic Method (named after the way Socrates practiced philosophy), he was basically a “Why?” kid. He’d find a willing participant to engage in debate and then he’d question their beliefs relentlessly until they came to an agreement on…
-
Tomorrow I will embark on another RV vacation with my kids. This time I’ll be the only adult in attendance and to my recollection (which admittedly isn’t very good) it will be the first overnight adventure I have done on my own with all three of them. The RV enables my hyper-independence. It provides the…
-
Death alone is certain I think there’s an expression that goes: nothing is certain except death and taxes. That’s a bit f*cked if you ask me, but no one is (asking me, I mean; no one is asking me). The death part makes sense though, it comes for us all. When I first started writing…
-
It’s going to be a quick one today. First of all, I have no idea what I’m going to write about. Usually by Sunday morning I know the topic and at least one shrewd play on words I want to squeeze in somewhere, but this week I’ve got nothing. Second, I am preoccupied with planning…
-
Is it still a thing? My algorithm is full of advice on how to manage my own emotions regarding the behavior of other people in my life. I do tend to get caught in an empathy trap. I try to get inside the heads of other people to understand why they act a certain way…
-
An ode to walking around The apartment I rent is directly across the street from an elementary school. Most days I’m here, I sit out on the balcony and entertain myself with the clusterf*ck that is end of day pick-up. There are a few rules for picking up your kid. There’s an established order. There…
-
Looks aren’t everything I was a game to them. One of those little egg-shaped key chains with the creature you care for by beeping its buttons in the right order. You learn to feed it after each playtime to get it to nap. You can’t go too long between baths. After awhile the attention afforded…
-
Call a spade a spade I watched a legacy media news program while I ate my breakfast this morning. During the hour with Margaret, I listened to the same wordplay I’ve heard from past administrations (this time obscuring extraordinary crimes, I suspect), I questioned the merits of the next big, beautiful bill with a congressman…
-
the world is always changing This week I went to a weight lifting class that in a past life I attended a few times a week while also raising two small children and forming the youngest one. Back then I worked my way up to the heaviest weight the bar could handle and could hang…
-
I feel like celebrating…that’s progress. This day has been hard for the last few years. I’m happy to report this year feels different. Lighter. But because I am otherwise occupied this beautiful Sunday, this semester’s term paper will do double duty here on the blog. The culmination of my ethical education is below. Is Privacy…
-
Choosing what’s best long term After witnessing a particularly frustrating government press conference in my corner of the world, I set out this week to write about the difference between freedom of expression and bald head lies. Now, a few days later, my temper has cooled and it seems wiser to devote more than just…
-
What it means to me. I’m off the wagon. I know that off the wagon is the correct usage because I know the origin of the expression. Old-timey do-gooders would go around town, round up all the drunks, and load them onto a wagon to take them to a church basement to sober up. Some…
-
Why we should feel sorry for Rumpelstiltskin. Back when I was in design school, one of the most painful critiques was “The idea is there, but…” That feedback meant I see what you‘re going for, but you’ve ruined it with your choices. Recently, I listened to a BroPod where two influential men discussed a two…
-
What’s it to you? I’m around the halfway point in Ethics this semester and it’s time to start making decisions about registering for any Fall courses. Honestly, I’m considering giving up. It’s been a discouraging week for me as a vagina owner. In class on Monday, we covered the Ethics of Care. It is widely…
-
The state of the union Every Monday and Wednesday I drive the short distance to my community college to study Ethics. Its a diverse group of students, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from a variety of perspectives. As a class, we discuss right, wrong, and in-between. The course is a highlight of…
-
What’s the opposite of teaching to the test? Almost every week after bagel breakfast with friends, I head to the thrift store to scour the book section for anything interesting. They have a deal that is buy four books, get the fifth one free that serves as both a challenge and a good stopping point.…
-
When you don’t need words to convey meaning. We all know what that means, don’t we? Do what you can to help, but make sure you take care of yourself during this time. We don’t need to explain it. The time is what it is. We are living it together. If you’re not heartless (in…
-
What‘s all this growth for anyway? For a few years now “learn how to garden” has been about two-thirds of the way down my to-do list. I’m not specifically interested in gardening, but my anxious hallucinations have me believing it’s a skill I might need in the future. It feels responsible to be prepared. Unfortunately,…
-
A mirror broke in my apartment. I was out when it fell. I came home to the pieces scattered across the floor outside my bedroom closet. One of the perks to living alone is that there’s no rush to clean up your messes. You’re the only one affected by them. I let the mirror pieces…
-
once you pop, you can’t stop Yesterday my kids and I watched Frozen as a low-effort celebration of the solstice. The movie has a special place in my daughter’s heart. The solstice has a special place in mine. We made it to the darkest day of the year. The sun is on her way. Frozen…
-
what is ordinary forgetting? Lately I’ve been ruminating on memory. It’s the holidays, I guess. I used to be ashamed of my disinterest in the holiday season. The consumerist slant and emphasis on time spent with extended family left me feeling alienated. I’d put on a show for everyone else and keep my disdain for…
-
Who fashions the tools? Last week I attended a birthday party for a ten-year-old friend of my youngest. I passed the time talking with the other adults who were there with their own ten-year-olds. A friend asked me what my plans were for the holiday. It’s just us, I answered simply. People usually know not…
-
What it is to think about people who aren’t you I’m a people pleaser. That’s the catchy moniker that the mental health machine appointed for the people who care about the happiness and comfort of other people. Personally, I’m of the opinion that caring about other people isn’t all that bad. Just yesterday, I saw…
-
what is it good for? Recently I chose myself. Choosing myself felt a lot like something I am not allowed to do. But after I realized exactly who I wanted to be, I didn’t care whether I was allowed. I was going to be it because it felt wrong to be anything else. That meant…
-
I didn’t know how I knew how to train my dog. That was the thing that triggered the cascade. How was I training my dog? It was a snarky comment from a friend that turned me on to the question of how I was able to train her at all. Our friendship was strained at…
-
And the lessons we learn along the way. There was a time when I when I could get it up for a clean baseboard. The grit of diving in and fully committing to get your elbows dirty. Is that the expression? Those days are long gone now. I mean, would I love if they were…
-
This morning, I am remembering myself. If you’ve struggled to balance your mental health, you have firsthand experience with a varied sense of self. At the moment of your lowest low you are still yourself, but you are also not you. You are some sadder, more lifeless copy of you, desperately scraping back toward the…
-
Lessons of the sunk cost fallacy. One thing that makes my heart happy is turning off my wifi while I write so they can not interfere in my process of telling the truth. I realize this is a tad on the tin foil hat side of thought, and that really, we are all already on…
-
The Audacity of Men If you’ve seen the Barbie movie, you heard America Ferrara perform her monologue on the absolute paradox of womanhood. After what seems like an endless list of conflicting requirements for women, she is at a loss for what to do about it. It’s difficult to know where to land on the…
Life with ink 