When you don’t need words to convey meaning.

We all know what that means, don’t we? Do what you can to help, but make sure you take care of yourself during this time. We don’t need to explain it. The time is what it is. We are living it together. If you’re not heartless (in the emotional sense), you know exactly what during this time means. When cruelty abounds.

I’ve been having a hard time stomaching all the information swirling around the internet. I know this can be made worse by smoking pot, but pot also makes my real life feel a little lighter so I’m stuck at an impasse. Lately, I’ve been smoking to get through the daily hour of news I allow myself. Like everyone, I need to manage my level of stress to stay healthy.

Stress management is a relatively new concept for me. Growing up, I learned to manage the turmoil of the world around me by shifting my sense of self to a version of me that is better able to handle whatever is coming my way. If I feel anger, I can be sharp and calculating. Anxiety stirs me to seek information. Sadness pushes me toward isolation. When I feel happy, I am creative and playful. And at times of peace, I am overflowing with loving kindness. I suspect this sounds like I am describing a normal person and I am. Sometimes the way I am makes me appear forgetful, and I prefer different hobbies or clothing choices day to day. Occasionally, I use different language to express myself, but I am always me. I used to feel ashamed of my differences, but after a few years of good therapy I don’t anymore. I’m learning tricks to help manage things like dentist appointments and making time for important projects. And I’m changing my thoughts to see the strengths of my differences. I relate easily to different perspectives, I enjoy a broad spectrum of interests, and I can start over quite a few times before I really feel down and out.

I empathize with how I could be difficult for others to understand, it’s taken some time for me to understand myself. I’ve caught the looks people give when I present in a way they aren’t expecting. I feel their judgment no matter which hoodie I’m wearing. I have lived life under the scrutiny of others, and I have certainly sat in judgment myself. I’ve found my negative evaluations are often masking fears of my own inadequacies, so it’s not the judgment that hurts. I can forgive that. What I find most hurtful is the silence that follows. People don’t ask questions. I am merely observed, like an animal in a zoo.

Like many conditions that make life harder, this way of existing is the result of trauma I experienced as a child. That’s not an excuse, but it is a reality. My brain developed in an unpredictable environment and as a result it functions differently. When I am under stress, say for example I am managing a marriage separation or living through a government coup, the shifts of my moods can become rapid and volatile and it’s important that I take action to ground myself in certainty. I remind myself of what is most important to me; my health, the well-being of my children, connection with my community, and my education.

The way I came to that list was by writing things down. As part of a practice to live an examined life, I’ve spent a little time each day over the last five years recording my thoughts and behaviors, and I am so glad I did. Writing about life taught me a lot about myself. That’s not to say the process hasn’t caused torment. Being that honest has caused pain, both to myself and people I love. I have confidence that in the end the choices I have made, even the difficult ones, are for the good. I trust my callings. Now, when things start to feel out of control, I take a deep breath and write down the facts. Then I leaf back a few pages and read that three days ago I was feeling hopeful. Faith is restored that the feeling will return soon.

I love the act of writing, but I’m getting tired of always writing about myself. I mean, how much do you people really want to know? Get a life already! I’ve been brainstorming other opportunities to expand my skills as a writer that are aren’t so egotistical I make myself sick. I could weigh in on politics, education, or feminism maybe. All inspire passionate feelings. Another idea is something that serves to exercise my long-term planning, like a novel. I’ve spent all these years deconstructing my past, it’s a good time to start composing a future.

You know how in those trilogies the hero always seems caught between a rock and a hard place? They are forced to sell some part of their soul to those in power in order to free the masses. At the end the people rejoice and the hero sits pensively, wondering what will happen to them now. As a reader I empathize with that kind of grief. I, too, value character. I got to thinking, what if I wrote a story where they didn’t have to sacrifice a part of themselves? One where the hero says something rational and the destructive force comes to its senses in the first few pages. The rest of the story is just people communicating calmly about how to use our resources to thrive while not simultaneously making thriving more difficult. Everyone learns about each other and the surrounding world, and they are invigorated by solving for a solution that works for the entire planet. What would that be like? I’d like to find the time to think that through. It would be productive to imagine the logistics of peace. I think that might be my next big idea.