On new beginnings

This week is a big one. Everyone in my family is returning to school. My partner is teaching, the kids are each starting their respective next grade levels, and I’ve enrolled myself in a Philosophy 101–a subject I was interested in the first time around, but everyone told me it wasn’t worth studying because there was no money in it. Why do people say this to young people? The other day my 9-year-old was throwing shade at his classmates for playing pretend at school, as if they were too old for it. I asked who he thought should be playing pretend. You know when you can see a question or comment completely disrupt someone’s worldview? When someone says studying a subject isn’t worth it because it doesn’t make money, it’s like telling a young child they are too old to play pretend. Why does it exist then? Should we do away with it all together? I am happy to report about an hour later my son was caring for the tissue box like it was a baby.

I’m feeling nervous about the changes coming. Some of my worry is time management. Keeping all the activities straight on my calendar and in my mind will be a task. Between running a business, three different school schedules plus extracurriculars, making dinner every night, cleaning house, volunteering, and still attempting to have some kind of social life, time is stretched thin. Adding three classes a week plus whatever reading and coursework go along with it will require some Dr. Strange level manipulations. Oddly, time isn’t what worries me most. It’s my own brain.

I was an excellent student in school. I should add—when I applied myself—which was not all the time. In my defense, I was very intentional about which classes I blew off. At the start of 12^th grade English, I figured out exactly how many papers I’d need to write to get a passing grade and then I only wrote those papers. My teacher, Mr. O’Boyle, was a mixture of irritated and impressed and I earned the C necessary for graduation. I found that all through high school and college, if I listened attentively to the lecture and took good notes, I didn’t have to study at all. I am hoping I have retained some of that ability but the ol’ pink skull sponge is a few decades older now. Am I going to run into age-related barriers in information retention? What if the required reading is digital? I’ll have to print out pages and pages and cart them around with me like a dinosaur. What if my contributions in class are outdated or dumb? Are the other kids going to make fun of me? What if there’s a group project and I’m last pick?

I am trying to keep my attitude about the whole thing light. Remember I’m only doing this because it interests me and I feel best when I am learning. I have some internet issues, so attending the in-person course make the most sense. I could fail the course and literally nothing else in my life would change. But something in me keeps whispering that it’s more than that. It says this is the start of the next thing. What that is I don’t know yet, but I trust it will reveal itself at the right time, no matter how impatiently I make guesses. Maybe life is just a series of decisions points that connect your path. Is it like rock climbing; gazing up ahead looking for handholds suitable to support my weight so that I can claw my way to the top? Or am I more like a falling plinko chip, bouncing off pegs in one direction or another waiting to see where I finally settle? I’ve certainly felt like both. Maybe, as my thirteen-year-old would say, it’s not that deep. Actually, she probably wouldn’t say that anymore. Once your mom says it…

I’m looking forward to starting our family’s fall routine. I do much better on the move then I do sitting still waiting. I know that about myself. Planning is not my strength. Action is. Today is the last day of summer. The last day I will have to wait to find out what’s coming next. Tomorrow I will wake up and start a busy day of firsts. Some will be well documented with photographs and journal entries. Others will fly under the radar. The air will cool (hopefully), the leaves will change and then fall, and we will settle into our new normal. The normal until things need to change again.