Today we spent Memorial Day with family. Spending time with others has been difficult for me lately. There’s something about a lengthy battle with your own mind that really puts the rest of life’s tribulations into perspective. I have so much. I find myself easily irritated with others for being normal people talking about normal things. I wish I could think normally again, just some of the time. I’ll get there.

I felt very “sick” while they were here. I’d gone on a walk this morning that led to some spicy thoughts. I came home agitated and uneasy. I completed my yoga and meditation practice. I ate. I tried writing and then took a nap when I couldn’t. I went for another walk. I smoked pot. Nothing was helping. When they were here, I felt disconnected and observational. I watch myself have the conversation and reaffirmed my own negative perspective again and again. I othered myself. They are not like me. I know why I do this. It’s because I had a very critical mother. She hated everyone and so the game of being her child was proving why you aren’t at all like any of those people she hated. I became a chameleon, providing whatever was needed in the moment. But now this skill in counterproductive. Searching for differences from others keeps me apart.

I have been having trouble finding sames with other people. My heart is heavy, and my mind is burdened, and that makes me a pretty dark conversationalist. Most of the time, I stay quiet which isn’t great for conversation either. I’m so appreciative of the friends who let me spiral into doomsday at the mention of some innocuous children’s cartoon without losing stride.

So today was a challenge. Having a mental illness doesn’t usually bother me and that’s likely because I go through great lengths to hide it. It bothers me very much when the symptoms are observable. Lucky for me, I don’t think anyone even noticed.