I was in college when Facebook first became a thing. In the early days, one could only acquire an account with an .edu email address. At the encouragement of a few friends, I signed up just a few months before they updated this policy and the entire world was allowed to join. Remember the “poke” button? Ah.. simpler times.

I’m not exactly sure when I made the decision to never wish anyone happy birthday on Facebook. I think sometime after motherhood. The “no birthday wishes” decree intended to save my sanity while treating all others as equals. It’s not personal. It’s policy.

Upon reflection, it was a bit authoritarian. At the time, I remember feeling insulted by the emptiness of these birthday wishes and burdened by the idea that I could unintentionally hurt a friend’s feelings by wishing someone else a happy birthday and not them. Like someone is keeping tabs on some unimaginably complicated spread sheet of the social media birthday wishes. The narcissism that fueled this objection is painfully obvious now.

The idea that friends and relatives that I hadn’t spoken with or sometimes even seen for years would be waiting heartbroken for my rote wish for a happy birthday is absurd. I decided instead to text birthday wishes directly to the intended recipient. This remains my preferred birthday message delivery system. There are pitfalls. 1.) I have difficulty with new birthdays. If I learned your birthday in the days when my brain absorbed information readily, we’re good to go. If I met you in the last few years, there is a good chance I will never remember it accurately and I will convince myself that today is definitely the wrong day and you would be further insulted by a birthday wish on the wrong day. 2.) I also need to know the date (sometimes this is more challenging than I care to admit).

Maybe it makes me an asshole to be burdened by typing a few words to people I knew once upon a time, but the system works well enough. I have a handful of long-distance friends and relatives that I text on their birthdays. In fact, my brother-in-law and I have a long text thread of nothing but “Happy birthday!” and “Thank you.” going back years. The earth keeps spinning.

The term “facebook official” popped into our collective conscious around the same time I made my decree. Originally, there was an option to select a relationship status as a system to determine a young person’s romantic availability. Before you made your move, you could look them up and confirm they are indeed single. Or maybe they were self-aware enough to know things were complicated. The user ilovebronsonscornrows added a definition to the urban dictionary in 2005. Sure, you got engaged over dinner last night and shared the news with your parents and best friend. If you haven’t updated your relationship status, does it mean anything? It’s not facebook official.

As everyone and all their aunts descended upon the platform, “facebook official” felt like it morphed into our perception of reality.

“Did you see my post on facebook? I have to tell you again directly? I’ve already entered this as public information in the great book of faces. Do your homework before our lunch next time. I don’t want to have to fill you in on all that’s happening in my life!”

I got caught up in this idea as well. My partner and I were among the first of our friends to get married and then a short time later we had our first child. Not to brag, but my little chunker of a baby was so cute. Even the most ordinary photo would rake in the likes. Each like felt reassuring. I had a cute, happy kid, and I loved to share his cute, happy kid-ness. I kept posting throughout his early life. Once I made homemade finger paints while he napped and posted a picture of the paints prepared and waiting in reused baby food containers. Another mom I knew* asked for the recipe. I accepted her inquiry as evidence that I was doing motherhood correctly. My good parenting was facebook official.

---

*the younger sister of a friend of a friend from middle school. The only information I know about her now is that she has children.